They think it’s all over – it is now

They think it’s all over – it is now – thank goodness.

Regarding Xmas presents – I bought my lovely wife a Kindle and it’s been a total bloody nightmare.  I suppose 99.9% of people buy a Kindle and within five minutes they’re reading War & Peace or some other weighty tome.  Not us – we’re part of the 0.01% who can’t get fucking started.

Seeing as it is MLW’s present, I thought I would let her sort it out – the start-up process that is.  Not to be mean or anything – just so she would understand the finer points.  The 25th came and went with no Kindle reading.  Ditto the 26th.  Finally today I just had to step in and make things happen.  Many hours had been spent on the t’interweb and telephone – to little or no avail.

To cut a long story short, MLW finally spoke with an Irish Paki (can I say Paki?  Apparently not)… er sorry an Irish Asian sort of a guy who did splendidly well and between him and MLW, after about an hour,  they managed to download a couple of books.  Not books that MLW particularly wanted – just the first couple of freebies on the list.  The trouble seems to have been because the K was bought in the UK and then sent to Spain etcetera, blah b b b blah bloody blah.

All’s well that ends well.

MLW also received a few other presents including a watch from her lovely sister.  All in all a satisfactory present haul – apart from the little hiccup with the Kindle.

MLW reckons I’m impossible to buy for.  Utter tosh.  I could go round the Chinky shop (can I say Chinky?  Apparently not)… Chinese shop and spend 100 Euros on “stuff”.  e.g. I’d love a big chopper.  You know – like the ones they have on American farms when they go out a-choppin’ wood.  That’s just one for example – I could name twenty more.

Right then – what were my presents?  A jumper that didn’t fit and was the wrong colour.  A dozen Ferrero Rocher, a book by a Tory Author who I despise and a device for washing my feet.  The latter was supposedly a joke.  When I come home from my little gardening job, because I’ve been wearing trainers without socks, my feet do pong something rotten and the first thing I have to do when arriving home is clean up my act by washing them.  This task is usually accomplished with the aid of the bidet which MLW doesn’t like me doing – hence the gift.  A joke with a bit of a serious side to it.

The Foot Shower I think it’s called but it should be called a shower of shite because it’s rubbish.  I tried it out last night and ended up throwing across the bathroom.  MLW came running in to ask if I was OK.  Fine – the foot shower fell.  As I was leaving the B/R, I threw the fecking thing into the bath.  Have you finished throwing it about? MLW asked sadly?  Mmph, I snorted.

For the unenlightened I will describe this lump of crap.  It looks like a flip-flop.  Or a flip as there is only one.  There are bristles on the sole part and also under the bridge part that goes over the foot.  The ‘bridge’ is split into two parts so a piece of soap can be wedged in to aid with the cleansing process.  underneath the sole there are a couple of suckers to anchor it to the bottom of the bath – Ha!

It’s impossible to wedge a piece of soap into the gap in the bridge.  The suckers do not prevent the stupid thing from sliding back and forth – they only frustrate you when trying to lift it from the bath.  Best summed up as a load of shite.  Poor MLW went to a lot of trouble to obtain it too.  It’s a shame but she has bought me a few rubbish presents over the years.

Apart from one that is.  Years ago, she bought me a “Chambers Concise Crossword Dictionary which is wonderful.  (I wonder if Chambers will send me some money for endorsing their product – nah).  This tiny device – about 3″ X 2″ X 1/2” get used most week.  Say in a crossword there is a clue which you can’t solve and you have some of the letters – e.g. Male cows – B?LLS.  What you do is type into this thing “B?LLS” and it tells you the answer you seek.  Fair enough – you might have to go through BALLS, BELLS, BILLS and BOLLS before you stumble upon the right answer but you get there in the end.

The best thing I ever bought MLW (before the Kindle that is) was a back-scratcher.  When we were first together we would be sitting on the settee and up would go the cry – “Scratch me back – down a bit – left a bit – up a touch – oh there – yeah yeah yeah yeah!”  This is most disconcerting in the middle of a favourite programme so I invested about £2 in the back-scratcher.

Bah humbug.

 

 

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About Stevie B

I retired to the sun in February 2010. I am far from bored but I do need an interest (preferably one that pays).
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